One thing, and possibly the only thing to say about Michael Bay is that he has never made us yawn. His cinematic feats have included only the best in CGI, armory, and Megan Fox. He's striven for us not to become comatose in the theaters, but if he keeps up the same writing habits as he has in the past and the present the people who buy his tickets over and over again are going to become vegetables from lack of brain cells. Side note: a fun game you can play at home is replacing Michael Bay's name with M. Night Shyamalan's and see if it doesn't still hold water; "side note" side note: that's sarcasm, don't really play that game it will only reassure you that even the worst movie directors have managed to shit out a gold brick, they just have to push really hard.
Look, I'm not trying to say that Michael Bay doesn't know what he's doing, I wouldn't have to, it's woefully apparent. I can see the board meeting for this now:
Sharky movie makers: What were you thinking Mike?
Michael Bay: Big Robots!
SMM: Script!
Michael: N/A.
Not to mention the racial undertones of this film. When the Decepticons weren't blowing up Abe Lincoln, they were destroying the plains of Africa. When the Decepticons put up the bridge in the city the black guys were out. When the Token Black Guy wanted to help he had to go to the ghetto to pick up his "boys", who all had more weaponry then the actual army. I was expecting the ignorance in script, but I was surprised to see "The South Will Rise Again" vibe spilling out of every other scene. I was half expecting to see Megatron to have a bumper sticker that stated: Rebel Yell!
Again, I am exasperated to mention that this is not the first multimillion dollar disappointment by any means. In comparison with other feature presentations you have "Shark Boy and Lava girl" - a story about two incestuous siblings that take a little boy into the depths of a world he's never seen before, possibly to rape and murder him, but he follows - it's for children, they make it pretty with colors and lights and let you drool it out for 2 and half hours, it doesn't have to make sense. It doesn't. Ever. But, what can we do?
We can not pay for it. Seriously, if you say to yourself, "Oh look it was produced by Steven Spielberg that means it will be good", then you're stupid. Spielberg has become a brand, a name you sear into anything you want to make bank on. I would get Steven Spielberg to produce my shits because you people would pay to watch it, but you don't have to. If you really want to know what my shits are like I can simplify the definition for you right now: "Transformers: The Dark of the Moon."
In conclusion I give the movie a 6 on a scale of One to Holocaust.
--Scott Pilgrim
This is a great movie. A great movie to take your girl to, so you can make out or get blown. Because honestly, we've seen this before. There are two differences between this one and the last one. Megan has been replaced by Rosie Something-something. I don't know, but she's really hot. Whoever picks out those Victoria's Secret models is really doing a fantastic job (Seriously, where do I apply for that one?). But she's too hot. Especially for Shia. But back to what I was saying, there's one more difference: We are all left wondering, "Why the fuck didn't Optimus do that two movies ago?". Shut the hell up, I get that it's to make sequels, but still. If the autobots really wanna make a safer planet, they should have fire-axed Megatron a long time ago. And cremate him or something. He keeps coming back (you'd think after millions of years of failing to beat the autobots, they'd just keep him dead). I guess that's asking way to much of an 80 ft tall autobot who gets stopped by puny steel cables for half the movie. The poster should've shown a picture of that, because that would be a more accurate depiction of this movie.
There are so many flaws with the movie that it's almost hard figuring out where to start. I like to start with, why the hell am I watching Shia LeWhatever for an hour before I see one transformer. 45 minutes and no transformers left me thinking that I walked in to a replay of Disturbia, another movie where the only thing to see is the chick. Finally, when we do see one, they try to beat us over the head with a 50 year old conspiracy (Was a JFK impersonator really necessary?), that a few humans teamed up with Decepticons long ago. Quite frankly, there was a better conspiracy in Zoolander. At least that one knew it was a joke. Plot holes are everywhere, and you get so caught up in explosions you fail to ask, "Wait, what? Why?".
Plot hole #1: How the fuck was Sentinel Prime (the leader before Optimus) supposed to meet Megatron on Earth in the 1960's, when Megatron IN THE FIRST MOVIE is trapped in ice for over 100 years. HOW IS THERE ABSOLUTELY NO CONTINUATION(Interrobang). Was there nobody in editing? Or when someone in the meeting room asked if this was a problem, did he literally get shot down by Michael Bay? Seriously, what the fuck? I'm not even going into the comic books which say that Sentinel Prime was killed by Megatron 9 Million years ago, and thus couldn't betray the autobots in present day. I'm talking about THE FIRST FUCKING MOVIE they made.
Plot hole #2: We find out that they want to "Bring Cybertron to Earth", which in a word, "why?". It's not a twist at all, and offers no point. So what if the Decepticons want to enslave humanity? It seems to me like for a race of 50 foot tall robots with absolutely unlimited power, they'd be of absolutely no use. What would they do, fetch Megatron oil? Build skyscrapers for them? It would take years and it would take hours for Decepticons to do it themselves. Is the location that desirable? Seems like Cybertron was okay where it was. Optimus says in the first movie with the destruction of the allspark that Cybertron can't be rebuilt, are human slaves going to fix that?
Plot hole #3: Why the hell are giant robots taking orders from a human? Much less, a woman. Women should not be around cars, even ones that drive themselves. And she's an incredibly bad actor, who plays an incredibly stupid woman - when Sentinel tells her he built something that can transport objects though space instantly, she asks if he built a teleportation device. No shit woman. When Sentinel needs his shit, he can just take it from the woman. Seriously. And why would they listen to humans telling them to get off Earth? Tell em, "tough shit". What part of being a giant robot do these giant robots not get?
Plot hole #4: Shia tells the stupid woman who is somehow in charge of the transformers that they can't get off of Earth, when they went to the moon less than an hour before. Was that the last spaceship? It's almost as if the editing team said "fuck it" and thought it would cost too much money that would be better used to make explosions.
These are just some of many.
On a scale of parenting from Casey Anthony to Angelina Jolie, this one gets a David Hasselhoff
--Rocky
“There is no try, only do.” A great Jedi Master/Little Person in a Big World once told me this, and to be honest, I don’t know what Michael Bay was trying to do with his most recent installment of the Transformer series, but what he did was blow my mind. I honestly did not know how ridiculously awful a movie could be, then I saw this, and I learned that this movie franchise could Transform into a steaming pile of Bantha Poodoo (I’m in a Star Wars mood, Okay?!) At any rate, the hatred I feel for this film can only be rivaled by my anger after watching the original “Hairspray”; a movie, mind you, I murdered a homeless man after watching by spraying him with ignited hairspray.
I digress. For those of you who haven’t seen this movie, understand, I have enjoyed watching grown men strangle each other while wearing chicken suits… Mexico sure is lovely this time of year; yet I still found myself looking at the watch on the severed arm I had on me, it was slow 14 minutes… asshole. This movie was 3 hours too long, and I’m fairly certain it wasn’t that long. You don’t understand, a better use of your life would be to end it. I was bored to tears at the end of this movie, and there are much better ways to be brought to tears. Hey, Michael Bay! I can transform too! But not into a car, but into a movie-slamming machine! And this machine is fitting to smack the taste out your mouth!
Lets be honest here, while my colleagues point out the obvious racial overtones and misogynist messages in the film, lets be honest, women and blacks will never see this movie, one group can’t get out of the kitchen to see it, and another can’t get out of jail. Its okay, I can say that, I have a black president. (I’m of course kidding, I love my brotha’s from the hood and I am just defending you by satirizing other racists.)
I will summarize this movie in a short series of sentences, “Hey sexy lady. Boom. Bitch I’m leaving, Optimus out. Shit, I can’t swim! Wish I could transform into a Swiss Army Knife. Let’s blow up a bridge in Chicago. Fire Axe. Hey sex lady. The end.” There, you don’t have to see the movie now. Take my word for it, because if you don’t, I will find you, and I will take back the money you spent to see from your eyes.
Think I’ll give it an undercooked Taco on a scale of One to Fish. Needs work, and then maybe it might be at the level of “sucked”. Now, where’s Michael Winslow if you need him? I wanna see if he can make the Transform noise. Chu-chu-chu-chu-chu-chu…
--Tyler Durden
Oh Transformers, when did you become so inappropriate. My fellow bloggers have pointed out multiple accounts of “racism”. I’m not so sure about that. I know, like the rest of America, that racism died in 2008 when we elected our 44th president. I’m not completely sure why though, because I do not see race.
However, another type of discrimination is glaring. Why—in every movie involving giant robots, transformers, or cyborgs—must the robots fight? For three hours, I watched transformers of the Autobot and Decepticon variety fight or plan to fight. When they're not fighting each other, humans let the autobots fight other humans. They act like they have nothing better to do. There is no mention of Transformer culture or art. You hear plenty about the destruction caused by Shockwave, but nothing about the masterpieces produced by Brushstroke. It’s madness.
Members of the RTC community are outraged. Multiple leaders from the National Association for the Advancement of Mechanical People have called for action in the fight against Michael Bay and the other entities that made this hate movie possible. Now, Bay apologists (and the Uncle Tom computers that help them communicate) will argue that “giant robot-organisms don’t exist”. So they don’t deserve rights? That kind of reasoning makes me sick.
What can be done about this issue? Well, I would like to see some movies featuring robots outside of their stereotype. Hey, Hollywood! How about a romantic comedy. Picture this: Bumblebee and Optimus Prime, newly married, adopt a dog, and through countless hijinks, grow closer as a result. Or this: one day, Bumblebee skips one of his missions, and spends the day exploring New York City, participating in parades and going to baseball games. It took me literally no time (ok, not literally, more like basically) to think up these ideas. My question is, why did I have to?
On a scale from one to ten? I'd give it a number
--Ferris Bueller
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