By Tyler Durden
Many of you will not understand me, and I place the blame of this solely on you the reader. As the 4th and 5th member of this movie review crew, I would like to say with my whole heart, I'm sorry, but I'm about to blow your mind like a telepathic Jenna Jameson. Before you think "Why do they need so many douches to make a movie review?", and to that I add, forget what you were about to say and listen before I deep fry your genitalia, and feed them to you. From the moment I got out of jail, the circumstances of which are none of your business, I dedicated my life to fully expressing the psychotic nature of the world, and I damn well plan to keep it that way. My reviews may be hard to understand, unbelievably incoherent, or outright frightening, but they will also leave you as mentally satisfied as if you had just... well, see the above mentioned telepathic porn star for a useable comparison. I am Tyler Durden. I also have a taste for cheese and I prefer waxing poetic whilst wearing a sock around my arm and sitting on a wooden stool I made in 7th grade shop class. You want movies? Legally, I can't give you those, but I can give you reviews that will make you wish you were either smart enough to understand them, or dead. By now you've just realized this is a ridiculously long paragraph, and it was either meant to be that way, or the writer clearly doesn't understand paragraphs. Lets just say that's open to interpretation.
I promise to bring you jokes about movies you have never heard, because no one in their right mind would think them up. I will be edgy, random, and helpful to others (One of these promises is a lie). My squirrels... colleagues and I are turning over a new leaf, and will leave no leaf unturned to bring you the substance you want from a movie, without all the movie filler. Few journalists know how to end a bio like this, luckily I'm more than just a journalist.
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