By Ferris Bueller
Hi, nice to meet you. My name is Ferris Bueller. It’s not really; I just chose a cool character for my pseudonym because I have serious self-confidence problems. Luckily I have enough intelligence, charm, and good looks to more than counter my crippling humility. Now, I can’t make up the crazy stories that some of my fellow bloggers can. No, the damn aliens took that ability away from me. What I can do is give cut and dry reviews of the movies that matter to you. I just don’t get jokes, and they won’t find their way into any of my writing. Knock. Knock. Who’s there? Traditional journalism.
Instead, my aim is to take away the free pass movies have enjoyed for years. You would think an industry taking billions of dollars away from hard-working Americans would face a critic or two. It seems to fall to me, and the rest of the team here at Back Talk, to find the flaws in even the most celebrated (and uncelebrated) movies out there. And since no movie is perfect, save for one concerning a certain high school senior’s day off, it shouldn’t be too difficult. Movies have destroyed our morals and candy budgets for too long. Ima leave the movie industry looking more ragged than Edward Rooney. Yes, that was a Ferris Bueller joke. Get used to them.
So you’re welcome America. You no longer have to think about the movies you watch. Just pay ten dollars, eat some popcorn, and leave. You can trust me to tell you why you hated it. You’re now free to consider more important and interesting things, like the tax code.
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