By Rocky
I guess this isn't a review of the movie an much as it is a review of you people watching it.
No, I'm not going to condemn this movie for leaving scenes from the book out. If anything, they should have changed more. Everyone knows how the book ends. What bigger twist could the movie have than if Voldemort died from eel diarrhea (it is indeed a real thing)? Nevertheless, I'm here to bring us back to Earth. No you idiots, REAL Earth. Where no wizards live. You may think that Harry represents our generation. He doesn't. How many people do you know with lightning scars, magical powers, and the ability to survive death... twice? (If your answer is more than two, you're either lying or crazy. Either way, you lose.) That's like saying Spongebob Squarepants represents our generation. No matter which one you choose, you're gay and probably need to get out more. Now hear me out, the movie is good, but it's not Oscar worthy. Hell, it's not golden globe worthy. It might get an MTV movie award or 8, but if Step Up 2 can get those, then it's really a wonder why people even keep the trophy. The problem is simple. People get too wrapped up in all the Harry hype they don't judge the movie objectively. Luckily you have me.
Finally, after the last snooze fest where Harry Potter & the gang of justice roam the Earth for 2 and a half hours, some real shit happens. I honestly thought no movie could involve more walking than Lord of the Rings, but I was wrong. Ron throws a bitch fit, Hermione cries, and Harry yells a couple times about You-know-who. Which quite frankly, is retarded. They've been saying Voldemort off and on for 6 books and 7 movies now, not to mention we all know who. He'll say Voldemort for 20 mins and switch to you'know-who. How stupid is that? If Hitler came back from the dead and killed a bunch more jews we wouldn't call him "that-evil-guy". Maybe it's a lack of British balls, but now that I think about it, we did have to save their asses from "that-evil-guy" so it's starting to make sense. But aren't we really getting the sense that J.K. was just stalling for time? In every book since the 5th the people need something. Whether it's a globe of knowledge, or a horcrux, or a person, everything leads to something else. Each time they get to something else, they find a person has been there, taken that. When they finally (after traveling forever, only to accidentally stumble upon it) find the dude, he's dead. But he hid that thing away. Then they accidentally stumble upon that. It's the same every time. There are so many "clues" that finally they all come around and start to make some sense. Like she planned all this out with the first one, when really she was biding time. The name of the 7th should be Harry Potter and the National Treasure because that's what it started reminding me of. (Nicholas Cage as Snape? Maybe. Finally, he'd be able to underact!)
But thankfully, we made it into part two. Unlike my colleague Ferris Bueller, I'm more into movies than books. Sure, 4-6 COULD have been split up into two parts to stay more faithful to the books, but like the Jeff Goldblum conundrum in Jurassic Park, SHOULD they? The answer? A resounding no. Is it really worth another 2 and a half hours of snoring to explain how butterbeer is made, or the origin of magic? Where would the fifth end? At the end of the really boring shit, so the 2nd part is more action packed but the first makes you rip off your testicles/ovaries from boredom? Or maybe the beginning of the good parts, 7/8 the way through the movie, so you at least get some literal bang for your buck? Every one says the same thing, "the books are always better". The reason is because while you are sifting through the filler, you can get up and stretch or get some snacks, or put it down for another day. Not so with a movie, lest you run the risk of missing something exciting. People don't realize how much of an art form movies are. You have got to make them exciting, action-packed, thrilling, thoughtful, funny at times, all in a two to three hour time frame. Not so with a book. You can write completely boring, awful crap for as long as you like. Danielle Steel makes a living doing that.
With that said, part two does a very nice job with a lot. It's a very good movie. Just it wasn't epically brilliant. Some people are sad to see Harry go - even though he left when the book came out - but I'm rejoicing. Finally, they give us an ending I didn't see coming, Good beats evil. Hollywood finally throws us a twist, with never ending stream of movies movies such as Star Wars Episode V and... er ... Episode III ending in gut-wrenching agony. But with this movie comes an end to the infinite loop of searching for things. The action is great, no matter where the location is, and I'm not just talking about the Harry-Ginny sex scene (Spoiler alert: She's a squirter). Wait, what? Oh sorry, I was watching Harry Potter and the Magical Clitoris.
This is getting long, so I'll just go right in to the bones I had to pick with this movie.
1) They're wizards. Can't they use a spell to a) get out of water or b) dry their clothes?
2) When they ask for Bellatrix's wand (Helena Bonham Carter is an amazing actress btdub and has put some unbelievable performances into these movies), why can't she just give it to the goblins?
3) Was any one else hoping that Snape had a love affair with Lilly Potter and was secretly Harry's dad?
4) when they burn the bridge, why didn't the enemies just use a broom stick to fly across? It seems like if you're storming a castle where the only land routes involve two bridges, then you'd bring one. Also, the castle is connected to a lake (as seen in the movie. Couldn't some bad guys have attacked via boat? Voldemort: Dark wizard extraordinaire? Yes, but war general? No.
5) I have seen a lot of wizards use their wands for crazy things, but why can only bad guys fly? Hermione casts a levitation spell, surely flying isn't too much harder. That would help out so much.
6) I know it's a tribute, but Albus Severus Potter? Good god, Gag me with a wand. If I were him, I would rather avada ke-whatever myself than have that name. Who names their son Albus? I would rather name my son Slappy. Or Eskimo.
and 7) How old are the actors? 21? Well 19 years later, they will look... 23. Maybe someone made some age defying potion, but they had 10 years to cast separate actors for that, they couldn't find any?
Well in the end I'd give it an 8/10. Or 4/5. Or 3 stars. It really all depends on which scale you like. But some of you peeps think it's an 11 or 6 or 5 and that is certainly incorrect.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Harry Potter: Only Nicolas Flamel Can Live Forever
By Ferris Bueller
Oh…my…God. That was, without a doubt, my favorite Harry Potter movie of all time. To be fair though, in general, I hate the Harry Potter movies. The three movies that preceded The Deathly Hallows were poorly directed, money grabbing, scene ruining, shortened knock-offs of their far (and I mean far) superior book counterparts. The first three were okay; they were short enough to be covered fairly well in one feature-length movie. But in my opinion, the 4th through the 6th movies would have been better split into two movies a la The Deathly Hallows. It would have been very unpopular with the HP “fans” who have never read the book. But I think we can all agree there is already a special circle of Hell for those people anyway. I had a coworker look at me in the face today and tell me that The Goblet of Fire was his favorite movie. If I’d had a wand I would have cast a Crucius spell faster than a Firebolt can fly (although for the record I was always a Nimbus fan).
Today, however, I am talking about this movie, and I thought The Deathly Hallows was done quite well. I had been very worried about how Yates would handle the Battle of Hogwarts, quite possibly my favorite scene in the series. You see, the previous two wizard battles had been BADLY butchered. I still have nightmares about the end of Half-Blood Prince. Not because (spoiler alert) Dumbledore dies, but because of how different that battle (if we can even call it that) was from the battle in the book. It was just wrong. This time, however, I was pleased with the depiction. That was exactly how I pictured it. They did, however, spend a little too much time showing Harry and Co. running through the castle instead of the epic battle brewing outside. By the way, I thought it was funny that whenever Harry and friends moved around the castle, they were taking down dark wizards like Anakin Skywalker killing younglings. Come on, they’re 19, and they’re just taking these full grown wizards to school and giving them the paddle. Also, did you see how many dark wizards there were compared to protectors of Hogwarts? Those teachers must be pretty good at magic (a line regrettably left out of the movie). So what I’m saying is, it could have been better, but at least it was a reasonable depiction of the battle in the book.
I love Professor McGonagall.
The Gringotts scene was fantastic, although they gave no explanation as to why the goblin wanted the sword. In case your wondering, the Sword of Gryffindor was made by goblins, and in their culture, that makes it their property after the death of the person who it was made for. So there ya go.
My biggest criticism is the movies biggest omission. They completely left out the Dumbledore-Grindelwald back story. For those sinners who didn’t read the book, Grindelwald was the greatest dark wizard pre-Voldemort. He and Dumbledore had a thing and once plotted to bring wizards to power over muggles. It got out of hand, and a three-way duel involving Aberforth resulted in Dumbledore’s sister’s (the girl in the painting) death. Dumbledore eventually had to defeat Grindelwald himself, which earned him both his fame in the books and the elder wand. That little scene before they get into Hogwarts was not nearly enough. Whether it was to avoid the “Dumbledore is gay” twist on the story (probably the most likely), or to avoid confusing the audience with another bad guy, it was a mistake.
A couple more quick hitters:
• What were Harry and Ron wearing in the epilogue? They’re in their like early 30’s, not their 80’s.
• How did Neville know to kill the snake? Would it have been so hard to have someone tell him a la the book.
• The part when Harry came back to life could have been so much more dramatic, and when Voldemort was killed, couldn’t one person have been watching?
• Snape’s scenes were done beautifully, but did they have to make Dumbledore out to be such an asshole?
• It bothers me that my spell check knows some words from Harry Potter but not others. How can you know “Gryffindor”, but not Voldemort.
It’s easy to point out the mistakes the movie made, but it would take pages and pages to note all the things the movie did right. By and large, this movie was a success. It’s hard to see such a big part of my childhood fall by the wayside, but it would have been much more difficult to see it go out poorly. A well done conclusion makes losing Harry a little easier to take. From the duels in the theatre lobby, to the fans dressed up like Dobby, the experience was truly magical. Now begins the campaign for another book. Come on J.K.!
Oh…my…God. That was, without a doubt, my favorite Harry Potter movie of all time. To be fair though, in general, I hate the Harry Potter movies. The three movies that preceded The Deathly Hallows were poorly directed, money grabbing, scene ruining, shortened knock-offs of their far (and I mean far) superior book counterparts. The first three were okay; they were short enough to be covered fairly well in one feature-length movie. But in my opinion, the 4th through the 6th movies would have been better split into two movies a la The Deathly Hallows. It would have been very unpopular with the HP “fans” who have never read the book. But I think we can all agree there is already a special circle of Hell for those people anyway. I had a coworker look at me in the face today and tell me that The Goblet of Fire was his favorite movie. If I’d had a wand I would have cast a Crucius spell faster than a Firebolt can fly (although for the record I was always a Nimbus fan).
Today, however, I am talking about this movie, and I thought The Deathly Hallows was done quite well. I had been very worried about how Yates would handle the Battle of Hogwarts, quite possibly my favorite scene in the series. You see, the previous two wizard battles had been BADLY butchered. I still have nightmares about the end of Half-Blood Prince. Not because (spoiler alert) Dumbledore dies, but because of how different that battle (if we can even call it that) was from the battle in the book. It was just wrong. This time, however, I was pleased with the depiction. That was exactly how I pictured it. They did, however, spend a little too much time showing Harry and Co. running through the castle instead of the epic battle brewing outside. By the way, I thought it was funny that whenever Harry and friends moved around the castle, they were taking down dark wizards like Anakin Skywalker killing younglings. Come on, they’re 19, and they’re just taking these full grown wizards to school and giving them the paddle. Also, did you see how many dark wizards there were compared to protectors of Hogwarts? Those teachers must be pretty good at magic (a line regrettably left out of the movie). So what I’m saying is, it could have been better, but at least it was a reasonable depiction of the battle in the book.
I love Professor McGonagall.
The Gringotts scene was fantastic, although they gave no explanation as to why the goblin wanted the sword. In case your wondering, the Sword of Gryffindor was made by goblins, and in their culture, that makes it their property after the death of the person who it was made for. So there ya go.
My biggest criticism is the movies biggest omission. They completely left out the Dumbledore-Grindelwald back story. For those sinners who didn’t read the book, Grindelwald was the greatest dark wizard pre-Voldemort. He and Dumbledore had a thing and once plotted to bring wizards to power over muggles. It got out of hand, and a three-way duel involving Aberforth resulted in Dumbledore’s sister’s (the girl in the painting) death. Dumbledore eventually had to defeat Grindelwald himself, which earned him both his fame in the books and the elder wand. That little scene before they get into Hogwarts was not nearly enough. Whether it was to avoid the “Dumbledore is gay” twist on the story (probably the most likely), or to avoid confusing the audience with another bad guy, it was a mistake.
A couple more quick hitters:
• What were Harry and Ron wearing in the epilogue? They’re in their like early 30’s, not their 80’s.
• How did Neville know to kill the snake? Would it have been so hard to have someone tell him a la the book.
• The part when Harry came back to life could have been so much more dramatic, and when Voldemort was killed, couldn’t one person have been watching?
• Snape’s scenes were done beautifully, but did they have to make Dumbledore out to be such an asshole?
• It bothers me that my spell check knows some words from Harry Potter but not others. How can you know “Gryffindor”, but not Voldemort.
It’s easy to point out the mistakes the movie made, but it would take pages and pages to note all the things the movie did right. By and large, this movie was a success. It’s hard to see such a big part of my childhood fall by the wayside, but it would have been much more difficult to see it go out poorly. A well done conclusion makes losing Harry a little easier to take. From the duels in the theatre lobby, to the fans dressed up like Dobby, the experience was truly magical. Now begins the campaign for another book. Come on J.K.!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Transformers: The Dark of the Moon...because it never should have seen the light of day
It's easy to see that all of us had a bone, or skeletal structure, to pick with Transformers: Dark of the moon. We give it a 7 out of 10... if you add all our scores up
One thing, and possibly the only thing to say about Michael Bay is that he has never made us yawn. His cinematic feats have included only the best in CGI, armory, and Megan Fox. He's striven for us not to become comatose in the theaters, but if he keeps up the same writing habits as he has in the past and the present the people who buy his tickets over and over again are going to become vegetables from lack of brain cells. Side note: a fun game you can play at home is replacing Michael Bay's name with M. Night Shyamalan's and see if it doesn't still hold water; "side note" side note: that's sarcasm, don't really play that game it will only reassure you that even the worst movie directors have managed to shit out a gold brick, they just have to push really hard.
Look, I'm not trying to say that Michael Bay doesn't know what he's doing, I wouldn't have to, it's woefully apparent. I can see the board meeting for this now:
Sharky movie makers: What were you thinking Mike?
Michael Bay: Big Robots!
SMM: Script!
Michael: N/A.
Not to mention the racial undertones of this film. When the Decepticons weren't blowing up Abe Lincoln, they were destroying the plains of Africa. When the Decepticons put up the bridge in the city the black guys were out. When the Token Black Guy wanted to help he had to go to the ghetto to pick up his "boys", who all had more weaponry then the actual army. I was expecting the ignorance in script, but I was surprised to see "The South Will Rise Again" vibe spilling out of every other scene. I was half expecting to see Megatron to have a bumper sticker that stated: Rebel Yell!
Again, I am exasperated to mention that this is not the first multimillion dollar disappointment by any means. In comparison with other feature presentations you have "Shark Boy and Lava girl" - a story about two incestuous siblings that take a little boy into the depths of a world he's never seen before, possibly to rape and murder him, but he follows - it's for children, they make it pretty with colors and lights and let you drool it out for 2 and half hours, it doesn't have to make sense. It doesn't. Ever. But, what can we do?
We can not pay for it. Seriously, if you say to yourself, "Oh look it was produced by Steven Spielberg that means it will be good", then you're stupid. Spielberg has become a brand, a name you sear into anything you want to make bank on. I would get Steven Spielberg to produce my shits because you people would pay to watch it, but you don't have to. If you really want to know what my shits are like I can simplify the definition for you right now: "Transformers: The Dark of the Moon."
In conclusion I give the movie a 6 on a scale of One to Holocaust.
--Scott Pilgrim
This is a great movie. A great movie to take your girl to, so you can make out or get blown. Because honestly, we've seen this before. There are two differences between this one and the last one. Megan has been replaced by Rosie Something-something. I don't know, but she's really hot. Whoever picks out those Victoria's Secret models is really doing a fantastic job (Seriously, where do I apply for that one?). But she's too hot. Especially for Shia. But back to what I was saying, there's one more difference: We are all left wondering, "Why the fuck didn't Optimus do that two movies ago?". Shut the hell up, I get that it's to make sequels, but still. If the autobots really wanna make a safer planet, they should have fire-axed Megatron a long time ago. And cremate him or something. He keeps coming back (you'd think after millions of years of failing to beat the autobots, they'd just keep him dead). I guess that's asking way to much of an 80 ft tall autobot who gets stopped by puny steel cables for half the movie. The poster should've shown a picture of that, because that would be a more accurate depiction of this movie.
There are so many flaws with the movie that it's almost hard figuring out where to start. I like to start with, why the hell am I watching Shia LeWhatever for an hour before I see one transformer. 45 minutes and no transformers left me thinking that I walked in to a replay of Disturbia, another movie where the only thing to see is the chick. Finally, when we do see one, they try to beat us over the head with a 50 year old conspiracy (Was a JFK impersonator really necessary?), that a few humans teamed up with Decepticons long ago. Quite frankly, there was a better conspiracy in Zoolander. At least that one knew it was a joke. Plot holes are everywhere, and you get so caught up in explosions you fail to ask, "Wait, what? Why?".
Plot hole #1: How the fuck was Sentinel Prime (the leader before Optimus) supposed to meet Megatron on Earth in the 1960's, when Megatron IN THE FIRST MOVIE is trapped in ice for over 100 years. HOW IS THERE ABSOLUTELY NO CONTINUATION(Interrobang). Was there nobody in editing? Or when someone in the meeting room asked if this was a problem, did he literally get shot down by Michael Bay? Seriously, what the fuck? I'm not even going into the comic books which say that Sentinel Prime was killed by Megatron 9 Million years ago, and thus couldn't betray the autobots in present day. I'm talking about THE FIRST FUCKING MOVIE they made.
Plot hole #2: We find out that they want to "Bring Cybertron to Earth", which in a word, "why?". It's not a twist at all, and offers no point. So what if the Decepticons want to enslave humanity? It seems to me like for a race of 50 foot tall robots with absolutely unlimited power, they'd be of absolutely no use. What would they do, fetch Megatron oil? Build skyscrapers for them? It would take years and it would take hours for Decepticons to do it themselves. Is the location that desirable? Seems like Cybertron was okay where it was. Optimus says in the first movie with the destruction of the allspark that Cybertron can't be rebuilt, are human slaves going to fix that?
Plot hole #3: Why the hell are giant robots taking orders from a human? Much less, a woman. Women should not be around cars, even ones that drive themselves. And she's an incredibly bad actor, who plays an incredibly stupid woman - when Sentinel tells her he built something that can transport objects though space instantly, she asks if he built a teleportation device. No shit woman. When Sentinel needs his shit, he can just take it from the woman. Seriously. And why would they listen to humans telling them to get off Earth? Tell em, "tough shit". What part of being a giant robot do these giant robots not get?
Plot hole #4: Shia tells the stupid woman who is somehow in charge of the transformers that they can't get off of Earth, when they went to the moon less than an hour before. Was that the last spaceship? It's almost as if the editing team said "fuck it" and thought it would cost too much money that would be better used to make explosions.
These are just some of many.
On a scale of parenting from Casey Anthony to Angelina Jolie, this one gets a David Hasselhoff
--Rocky
“There is no try, only do.” A great Jedi Master/Little Person in a Big World once told me this, and to be honest, I don’t know what Michael Bay was trying to do with his most recent installment of the Transformer series, but what he did was blow my mind. I honestly did not know how ridiculously awful a movie could be, then I saw this, and I learned that this movie franchise could Transform into a steaming pile of Bantha Poodoo (I’m in a Star Wars mood, Okay?!) At any rate, the hatred I feel for this film can only be rivaled by my anger after watching the original “Hairspray”; a movie, mind you, I murdered a homeless man after watching by spraying him with ignited hairspray.
I digress. For those of you who haven’t seen this movie, understand, I have enjoyed watching grown men strangle each other while wearing chicken suits… Mexico sure is lovely this time of year; yet I still found myself looking at the watch on the severed arm I had on me, it was slow 14 minutes… asshole. This movie was 3 hours too long, and I’m fairly certain it wasn’t that long. You don’t understand, a better use of your life would be to end it. I was bored to tears at the end of this movie, and there are much better ways to be brought to tears. Hey, Michael Bay! I can transform too! But not into a car, but into a movie-slamming machine! And this machine is fitting to smack the taste out your mouth!
Lets be honest here, while my colleagues point out the obvious racial overtones and misogynist messages in the film, lets be honest, women and blacks will never see this movie, one group can’t get out of the kitchen to see it, and another can’t get out of jail. Its okay, I can say that, I have a black president. (I’m of course kidding, I love my brotha’s from the hood and I am just defending you by satirizing other racists.)
I will summarize this movie in a short series of sentences, “Hey sexy lady. Boom. Bitch I’m leaving, Optimus out. Shit, I can’t swim! Wish I could transform into a Swiss Army Knife. Let’s blow up a bridge in Chicago. Fire Axe. Hey sex lady. The end.” There, you don’t have to see the movie now. Take my word for it, because if you don’t, I will find you, and I will take back the money you spent to see from your eyes.
Think I’ll give it an undercooked Taco on a scale of One to Fish. Needs work, and then maybe it might be at the level of “sucked”. Now, where’s Michael Winslow if you need him? I wanna see if he can make the Transform noise. Chu-chu-chu-chu-chu-chu…
--Tyler Durden
Oh Transformers, when did you become so inappropriate. My fellow bloggers have pointed out multiple accounts of “racism”. I’m not so sure about that. I know, like the rest of America, that racism died in 2008 when we elected our 44th president. I’m not completely sure why though, because I do not see race.
However, another type of discrimination is glaring. Why—in every movie involving giant robots, transformers, or cyborgs—must the robots fight? For three hours, I watched transformers of the Autobot and Decepticon variety fight or plan to fight. When they're not fighting each other, humans let the autobots fight other humans. They act like they have nothing better to do. There is no mention of Transformer culture or art. You hear plenty about the destruction caused by Shockwave, but nothing about the masterpieces produced by Brushstroke. It’s madness.
Members of the RTC community are outraged. Multiple leaders from the National Association for the Advancement of Mechanical People have called for action in the fight against Michael Bay and the other entities that made this hate movie possible. Now, Bay apologists (and the Uncle Tom computers that help them communicate) will argue that “giant robot-organisms don’t exist”. So they don’t deserve rights? That kind of reasoning makes me sick.
What can be done about this issue? Well, I would like to see some movies featuring robots outside of their stereotype. Hey, Hollywood! How about a romantic comedy. Picture this: Bumblebee and Optimus Prime, newly married, adopt a dog, and through countless hijinks, grow closer as a result. Or this: one day, Bumblebee skips one of his missions, and spends the day exploring New York City, participating in parades and going to baseball games. It took me literally no time (ok, not literally, more like basically) to think up these ideas. My question is, why did I have to?
On a scale from one to ten? I'd give it a number
--Ferris Bueller
One thing, and possibly the only thing to say about Michael Bay is that he has never made us yawn. His cinematic feats have included only the best in CGI, armory, and Megan Fox. He's striven for us not to become comatose in the theaters, but if he keeps up the same writing habits as he has in the past and the present the people who buy his tickets over and over again are going to become vegetables from lack of brain cells. Side note: a fun game you can play at home is replacing Michael Bay's name with M. Night Shyamalan's and see if it doesn't still hold water; "side note" side note: that's sarcasm, don't really play that game it will only reassure you that even the worst movie directors have managed to shit out a gold brick, they just have to push really hard.
Look, I'm not trying to say that Michael Bay doesn't know what he's doing, I wouldn't have to, it's woefully apparent. I can see the board meeting for this now:
Sharky movie makers: What were you thinking Mike?
Michael Bay: Big Robots!
SMM: Script!
Michael: N/A.
Not to mention the racial undertones of this film. When the Decepticons weren't blowing up Abe Lincoln, they were destroying the plains of Africa. When the Decepticons put up the bridge in the city the black guys were out. When the Token Black Guy wanted to help he had to go to the ghetto to pick up his "boys", who all had more weaponry then the actual army. I was expecting the ignorance in script, but I was surprised to see "The South Will Rise Again" vibe spilling out of every other scene. I was half expecting to see Megatron to have a bumper sticker that stated: Rebel Yell!
Again, I am exasperated to mention that this is not the first multimillion dollar disappointment by any means. In comparison with other feature presentations you have "Shark Boy and Lava girl" - a story about two incestuous siblings that take a little boy into the depths of a world he's never seen before, possibly to rape and murder him, but he follows - it's for children, they make it pretty with colors and lights and let you drool it out for 2 and half hours, it doesn't have to make sense. It doesn't. Ever. But, what can we do?
We can not pay for it. Seriously, if you say to yourself, "Oh look it was produced by Steven Spielberg that means it will be good", then you're stupid. Spielberg has become a brand, a name you sear into anything you want to make bank on. I would get Steven Spielberg to produce my shits because you people would pay to watch it, but you don't have to. If you really want to know what my shits are like I can simplify the definition for you right now: "Transformers: The Dark of the Moon."
In conclusion I give the movie a 6 on a scale of One to Holocaust.
--Scott Pilgrim
This is a great movie. A great movie to take your girl to, so you can make out or get blown. Because honestly, we've seen this before. There are two differences between this one and the last one. Megan has been replaced by Rosie Something-something. I don't know, but she's really hot. Whoever picks out those Victoria's Secret models is really doing a fantastic job (Seriously, where do I apply for that one?). But she's too hot. Especially for Shia. But back to what I was saying, there's one more difference: We are all left wondering, "Why the fuck didn't Optimus do that two movies ago?". Shut the hell up, I get that it's to make sequels, but still. If the autobots really wanna make a safer planet, they should have fire-axed Megatron a long time ago. And cremate him or something. He keeps coming back (you'd think after millions of years of failing to beat the autobots, they'd just keep him dead). I guess that's asking way to much of an 80 ft tall autobot who gets stopped by puny steel cables for half the movie. The poster should've shown a picture of that, because that would be a more accurate depiction of this movie.
There are so many flaws with the movie that it's almost hard figuring out where to start. I like to start with, why the hell am I watching Shia LeWhatever for an hour before I see one transformer. 45 minutes and no transformers left me thinking that I walked in to a replay of Disturbia, another movie where the only thing to see is the chick. Finally, when we do see one, they try to beat us over the head with a 50 year old conspiracy (Was a JFK impersonator really necessary?), that a few humans teamed up with Decepticons long ago. Quite frankly, there was a better conspiracy in Zoolander. At least that one knew it was a joke. Plot holes are everywhere, and you get so caught up in explosions you fail to ask, "Wait, what? Why?".
Plot hole #1: How the fuck was Sentinel Prime (the leader before Optimus) supposed to meet Megatron on Earth in the 1960's, when Megatron IN THE FIRST MOVIE is trapped in ice for over 100 years. HOW IS THERE ABSOLUTELY NO CONTINUATION(Interrobang). Was there nobody in editing? Or when someone in the meeting room asked if this was a problem, did he literally get shot down by Michael Bay? Seriously, what the fuck? I'm not even going into the comic books which say that Sentinel Prime was killed by Megatron 9 Million years ago, and thus couldn't betray the autobots in present day. I'm talking about THE FIRST FUCKING MOVIE they made.
Plot hole #2: We find out that they want to "Bring Cybertron to Earth", which in a word, "why?". It's not a twist at all, and offers no point. So what if the Decepticons want to enslave humanity? It seems to me like for a race of 50 foot tall robots with absolutely unlimited power, they'd be of absolutely no use. What would they do, fetch Megatron oil? Build skyscrapers for them? It would take years and it would take hours for Decepticons to do it themselves. Is the location that desirable? Seems like Cybertron was okay where it was. Optimus says in the first movie with the destruction of the allspark that Cybertron can't be rebuilt, are human slaves going to fix that?
Plot hole #3: Why the hell are giant robots taking orders from a human? Much less, a woman. Women should not be around cars, even ones that drive themselves. And she's an incredibly bad actor, who plays an incredibly stupid woman - when Sentinel tells her he built something that can transport objects though space instantly, she asks if he built a teleportation device. No shit woman. When Sentinel needs his shit, he can just take it from the woman. Seriously. And why would they listen to humans telling them to get off Earth? Tell em, "tough shit". What part of being a giant robot do these giant robots not get?
Plot hole #4: Shia tells the stupid woman who is somehow in charge of the transformers that they can't get off of Earth, when they went to the moon less than an hour before. Was that the last spaceship? It's almost as if the editing team said "fuck it" and thought it would cost too much money that would be better used to make explosions.
These are just some of many.
On a scale of parenting from Casey Anthony to Angelina Jolie, this one gets a David Hasselhoff
--Rocky
“There is no try, only do.” A great Jedi Master/Little Person in a Big World once told me this, and to be honest, I don’t know what Michael Bay was trying to do with his most recent installment of the Transformer series, but what he did was blow my mind. I honestly did not know how ridiculously awful a movie could be, then I saw this, and I learned that this movie franchise could Transform into a steaming pile of Bantha Poodoo (I’m in a Star Wars mood, Okay?!) At any rate, the hatred I feel for this film can only be rivaled by my anger after watching the original “Hairspray”; a movie, mind you, I murdered a homeless man after watching by spraying him with ignited hairspray.
I digress. For those of you who haven’t seen this movie, understand, I have enjoyed watching grown men strangle each other while wearing chicken suits… Mexico sure is lovely this time of year; yet I still found myself looking at the watch on the severed arm I had on me, it was slow 14 minutes… asshole. This movie was 3 hours too long, and I’m fairly certain it wasn’t that long. You don’t understand, a better use of your life would be to end it. I was bored to tears at the end of this movie, and there are much better ways to be brought to tears. Hey, Michael Bay! I can transform too! But not into a car, but into a movie-slamming machine! And this machine is fitting to smack the taste out your mouth!
Lets be honest here, while my colleagues point out the obvious racial overtones and misogynist messages in the film, lets be honest, women and blacks will never see this movie, one group can’t get out of the kitchen to see it, and another can’t get out of jail. Its okay, I can say that, I have a black president. (I’m of course kidding, I love my brotha’s from the hood and I am just defending you by satirizing other racists.)
I will summarize this movie in a short series of sentences, “Hey sexy lady. Boom. Bitch I’m leaving, Optimus out. Shit, I can’t swim! Wish I could transform into a Swiss Army Knife. Let’s blow up a bridge in Chicago. Fire Axe. Hey sex lady. The end.” There, you don’t have to see the movie now. Take my word for it, because if you don’t, I will find you, and I will take back the money you spent to see from your eyes.
Think I’ll give it an undercooked Taco on a scale of One to Fish. Needs work, and then maybe it might be at the level of “sucked”. Now, where’s Michael Winslow if you need him? I wanna see if he can make the Transform noise. Chu-chu-chu-chu-chu-chu…
--Tyler Durden
Oh Transformers, when did you become so inappropriate. My fellow bloggers have pointed out multiple accounts of “racism”. I’m not so sure about that. I know, like the rest of America, that racism died in 2008 when we elected our 44th president. I’m not completely sure why though, because I do not see race.
However, another type of discrimination is glaring. Why—in every movie involving giant robots, transformers, or cyborgs—must the robots fight? For three hours, I watched transformers of the Autobot and Decepticon variety fight or plan to fight. When they're not fighting each other, humans let the autobots fight other humans. They act like they have nothing better to do. There is no mention of Transformer culture or art. You hear plenty about the destruction caused by Shockwave, but nothing about the masterpieces produced by Brushstroke. It’s madness.
Members of the RTC community are outraged. Multiple leaders from the National Association for the Advancement of Mechanical People have called for action in the fight against Michael Bay and the other entities that made this hate movie possible. Now, Bay apologists (and the Uncle Tom computers that help them communicate) will argue that “giant robot-organisms don’t exist”. So they don’t deserve rights? That kind of reasoning makes me sick.
What can be done about this issue? Well, I would like to see some movies featuring robots outside of their stereotype. Hey, Hollywood! How about a romantic comedy. Picture this: Bumblebee and Optimus Prime, newly married, adopt a dog, and through countless hijinks, grow closer as a result. Or this: one day, Bumblebee skips one of his missions, and spends the day exploring New York City, participating in parades and going to baseball games. It took me literally no time (ok, not literally, more like basically) to think up these ideas. My question is, why did I have to?
On a scale from one to ten? I'd give it a number
--Ferris Bueller
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Saturday, July 9, 2011
For those of you who haven't seen my biography...
By: Rocky
My biography is The Departed. My last name sounds suspiciously like Rocky, that's why it's my name. But I prefer to think of myself as a young Mark Wahlberg and the people I blog with are my fun bunch. First and foremost, I decently enjoy a couple songs by Kenny Loggins. Now that that's out of the way, My love affair with hating movies started with me yelling "Fire" in a crowded theater, and continues up to this day with not being allowed in 39 theaters in Arkansas.
Too long have we been sitting in theaters thinking to ourselves, "Why am I here?". Whether you're wondering why you were placed on Earth or why the hell you shelled out $12 to see Herbie Fully Loaded, breathe easy America, and quit wondering about your (meaningless) existence. I'm here to give you the answer: So you can make fun of it. Everything in this world can be made fun of - from your lack-of-girlfriend, to your diabetic grandmother, with Ashton Kutcher movies taking up the bulk of the middle. All movies suck - just some monumentally more than others. The monuments in question are the ones in Butte, Montana, where I'm convinced even ghosts won't haunt.
You all probably wondering about me. So I provided a tell-all questionaire that I may or may not have found in Cosmo. Spoiler alert: I didn't.
What are some hobbies?
Making fun of awful movies.
Kill, screw, marry: Ferris Bueller, Tyler Durden, Scott Pilgrim
In the movies - (K)Scott Pilgrim, (S)Tyler Durden, (M)Ferris Bueller
From Back Talk - (K)Scott Pilgrim, (S)Tyler Durden, (M)Ferris Bueller
Pet Peeve?
Mispelled words drive me insane
Guilty Pleasure?
Dog fighting
What do you think of the socio-economic pressures of being a college student during the recession of the global market, when the value of an education and the value of cutting budget costs are at a cross-roads?
...
President you'd like to see naked?
Andrew Johnson
My biography is The Departed. My last name sounds suspiciously like Rocky, that's why it's my name. But I prefer to think of myself as a young Mark Wahlberg and the people I blog with are my fun bunch. First and foremost, I decently enjoy a couple songs by Kenny Loggins. Now that that's out of the way, My love affair with hating movies started with me yelling "Fire" in a crowded theater, and continues up to this day with not being allowed in 39 theaters in Arkansas.
Too long have we been sitting in theaters thinking to ourselves, "Why am I here?". Whether you're wondering why you were placed on Earth or why the hell you shelled out $12 to see Herbie Fully Loaded, breathe easy America, and quit wondering about your (meaningless) existence. I'm here to give you the answer: So you can make fun of it. Everything in this world can be made fun of - from your lack-of-girlfriend, to your diabetic grandmother, with Ashton Kutcher movies taking up the bulk of the middle. All movies suck - just some monumentally more than others. The monuments in question are the ones in Butte, Montana, where I'm convinced even ghosts won't haunt.
You all probably wondering about me. So I provided a tell-all questionaire that I may or may not have found in Cosmo. Spoiler alert: I didn't.
What are some hobbies?
Making fun of awful movies.
Kill, screw, marry: Ferris Bueller, Tyler Durden, Scott Pilgrim
In the movies - (K)Scott Pilgrim, (S)Tyler Durden, (M)Ferris Bueller
From Back Talk - (K)Scott Pilgrim, (S)Tyler Durden, (M)Ferris Bueller
Pet Peeve?
Mispelled words drive me insane
Guilty Pleasure?
Dog fighting
What do you think of the socio-economic pressures of being a college student during the recession of the global market, when the value of an education and the value of cutting budget costs are at a cross-roads?
...
President you'd like to see naked?
Andrew Johnson
Friday, July 8, 2011
I am Jack's popcorn bag with a hole cut in the bottom
By Tyler Durden
Many of you will not understand me, and I place the blame of this solely on you the reader. As the 4th and 5th member of this movie review crew, I would like to say with my whole heart, I'm sorry, but I'm about to blow your mind like a telepathic Jenna Jameson. Before you think "Why do they need so many douches to make a movie review?", and to that I add, forget what you were about to say and listen before I deep fry your genitalia, and feed them to you. From the moment I got out of jail, the circumstances of which are none of your business, I dedicated my life to fully expressing the psychotic nature of the world, and I damn well plan to keep it that way. My reviews may be hard to understand, unbelievably incoherent, or outright frightening, but they will also leave you as mentally satisfied as if you had just... well, see the above mentioned telepathic porn star for a useable comparison. I am Tyler Durden. I also have a taste for cheese and I prefer waxing poetic whilst wearing a sock around my arm and sitting on a wooden stool I made in 7th grade shop class. You want movies? Legally, I can't give you those, but I can give you reviews that will make you wish you were either smart enough to understand them, or dead. By now you've just realized this is a ridiculously long paragraph, and it was either meant to be that way, or the writer clearly doesn't understand paragraphs. Lets just say that's open to interpretation.
I promise to bring you jokes about movies you have never heard, because no one in their right mind would think them up. I will be edgy, random, and helpful to others (One of these promises is a lie). My squirrels... colleagues and I are turning over a new leaf, and will leave no leaf unturned to bring you the substance you want from a movie, without all the movie filler. Few journalists know how to end a bio like this, luckily I'm more than just a journalist.
Many of you will not understand me, and I place the blame of this solely on you the reader. As the 4th and 5th member of this movie review crew, I would like to say with my whole heart, I'm sorry, but I'm about to blow your mind like a telepathic Jenna Jameson. Before you think "Why do they need so many douches to make a movie review?", and to that I add, forget what you were about to say and listen before I deep fry your genitalia, and feed them to you. From the moment I got out of jail, the circumstances of which are none of your business, I dedicated my life to fully expressing the psychotic nature of the world, and I damn well plan to keep it that way. My reviews may be hard to understand, unbelievably incoherent, or outright frightening, but they will also leave you as mentally satisfied as if you had just... well, see the above mentioned telepathic porn star for a useable comparison. I am Tyler Durden. I also have a taste for cheese and I prefer waxing poetic whilst wearing a sock around my arm and sitting on a wooden stool I made in 7th grade shop class. You want movies? Legally, I can't give you those, but I can give you reviews that will make you wish you were either smart enough to understand them, or dead. By now you've just realized this is a ridiculously long paragraph, and it was either meant to be that way, or the writer clearly doesn't understand paragraphs. Lets just say that's open to interpretation.
I promise to bring you jokes about movies you have never heard, because no one in their right mind would think them up. I will be edgy, random, and helpful to others (One of these promises is a lie). My squirrels... colleagues and I are turning over a new leaf, and will leave no leaf unturned to bring you the substance you want from a movie, without all the movie filler. Few journalists know how to end a bio like this, luckily I'm more than just a journalist.
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World of Cinema
By: Scott Pilgrim
Some pretty important people have said never to have the first sentence of anything you write be "Hi my name is...." Hi, my name is Scott Pilgrim, this is the second sentence to my short biography. I only feel the need to inform you that it's a "short biography" because I really don't feel like I have anything important to say about myself that you won't already figure out by the verbal daggers I will come to assault feature films with. The men, all of them are definitely men, except maybe Ferris Bueller (I've never seen his adam's apple), I co-write these movie reviews with are only genius in their interior. I am definitely the most handsome of them all, and also the most exaggerative of them.
To sum up my philosophy on movies, fan-tastic (as in not as good as the fans make it out to be, ever) or not, I invite you to watch this short clip I came across on line:
When I type "on line", it's not a typo, I mean that I have just finished a line of cocaine. Anyway, my counterparts might even say behind my back, but close enough that I can still hear them, that I'm cynical and have no regard for anyone but myself and that my contempt for all things stretches about as thin as floss and to that I say "Fuck you, I hate you all". But, I would never say that to them because they're my friends.
The task we have, collectively at Back Talk, is no easy one. We are here to submit to your desire for smut. We are also good at smut, and as long as the American Film industry keeps cranking out shit, we'll keep talking it. So strap on, I mean strap in because you're thoughts are about to be said out loud for the world to hear. "Did you like that new movie?" "I don't know the reviews for it were good, let's check it out" "Okay!" these things will not happen if you stick with us. Our goal is to make sure you hate it before you pay 20 dollars to see it.
Thank you, assholes, for reading this.
Enjoy!
Some pretty important people have said never to have the first sentence of anything you write be "Hi my name is...." Hi, my name is Scott Pilgrim, this is the second sentence to my short biography. I only feel the need to inform you that it's a "short biography" because I really don't feel like I have anything important to say about myself that you won't already figure out by the verbal daggers I will come to assault feature films with. The men, all of them are definitely men, except maybe Ferris Bueller (I've never seen his adam's apple), I co-write these movie reviews with are only genius in their interior. I am definitely the most handsome of them all, and also the most exaggerative of them.
To sum up my philosophy on movies, fan-tastic (as in not as good as the fans make it out to be, ever) or not, I invite you to watch this short clip I came across on line:
When I type "on line", it's not a typo, I mean that I have just finished a line of cocaine. Anyway, my counterparts might even say behind my back, but close enough that I can still hear them, that I'm cynical and have no regard for anyone but myself and that my contempt for all things stretches about as thin as floss and to that I say "Fuck you, I hate you all". But, I would never say that to them because they're my friends.
The task we have, collectively at Back Talk, is no easy one. We are here to submit to your desire for smut. We are also good at smut, and as long as the American Film industry keeps cranking out shit, we'll keep talking it. So strap on, I mean strap in because you're thoughts are about to be said out loud for the world to hear. "Did you like that new movie?" "I don't know the reviews for it were good, let's check it out" "Okay!" these things will not happen if you stick with us. Our goal is to make sure you hate it before you pay 20 dollars to see it.
Thank you, assholes, for reading this.
Enjoy!
Life Moves Pretty Fast, Leave the Movies to us.
By Ferris Bueller
Hi, nice to meet you. My name is Ferris Bueller. It’s not really; I just chose a cool character for my pseudonym because I have serious self-confidence problems. Luckily I have enough intelligence, charm, and good looks to more than counter my crippling humility. Now, I can’t make up the crazy stories that some of my fellow bloggers can. No, the damn aliens took that ability away from me. What I can do is give cut and dry reviews of the movies that matter to you. I just don’t get jokes, and they won’t find their way into any of my writing. Knock. Knock. Who’s there? Traditional journalism.
Instead, my aim is to take away the free pass movies have enjoyed for years. You would think an industry taking billions of dollars away from hard-working Americans would face a critic or two. It seems to fall to me, and the rest of the team here at Back Talk, to find the flaws in even the most celebrated (and uncelebrated) movies out there. And since no movie is perfect, save for one concerning a certain high school senior’s day off, it shouldn’t be too difficult. Movies have destroyed our morals and candy budgets for too long. Ima leave the movie industry looking more ragged than Edward Rooney. Yes, that was a Ferris Bueller joke. Get used to them.
So you’re welcome America. You no longer have to think about the movies you watch. Just pay ten dollars, eat some popcorn, and leave. You can trust me to tell you why you hated it. You’re now free to consider more important and interesting things, like the tax code.
Hi, nice to meet you. My name is Ferris Bueller. It’s not really; I just chose a cool character for my pseudonym because I have serious self-confidence problems. Luckily I have enough intelligence, charm, and good looks to more than counter my crippling humility. Now, I can’t make up the crazy stories that some of my fellow bloggers can. No, the damn aliens took that ability away from me. What I can do is give cut and dry reviews of the movies that matter to you. I just don’t get jokes, and they won’t find their way into any of my writing. Knock. Knock. Who’s there? Traditional journalism.
Instead, my aim is to take away the free pass movies have enjoyed for years. You would think an industry taking billions of dollars away from hard-working Americans would face a critic or two. It seems to fall to me, and the rest of the team here at Back Talk, to find the flaws in even the most celebrated (and uncelebrated) movies out there. And since no movie is perfect, save for one concerning a certain high school senior’s day off, it shouldn’t be too difficult. Movies have destroyed our morals and candy budgets for too long. Ima leave the movie industry looking more ragged than Edward Rooney. Yes, that was a Ferris Bueller joke. Get used to them.
So you’re welcome America. You no longer have to think about the movies you watch. Just pay ten dollars, eat some popcorn, and leave. You can trust me to tell you why you hated it. You’re now free to consider more important and interesting things, like the tax code.
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